Help Me Lose Weight, You Intrepid Explorer

Me: Pardon me, I wonder if you might help me lose weight?

I mean, you know what they say - whoever 'they' are: Two heads are better than one. Please. I really need the help.

Well, I admit that it's quite impossible for you to literally help me lose weight. I mean, you are reading this in one part of the world, and I, well, who knows where I am.

But no problem, as the kids these days say. We'll just pretend that you are an intrepid explorer. Furthermore, I think it would be cool if, as an explorer, you had some outdoorsy way to lose weight.

You: You know, I do enjoy the outdoors. OK, I'll give it a try.

Me: Great! Thank you, thank you. So what do you have in mind to help me lose weight?

You: Have you ever tried rock climbing?

Me: Uh... er... hmmm...

You: Hey, wouldn't you like to burn up 400 to 500 calories just by climbing a middle-sized rock? Plus, rock climbing can burn up to 380 calories in 30 minutes. (Kids, don't try this at home.)

Actually, rock climbing gives you a double boost - one to your heart and lungs and another to your arms and legs. It is one of the top cardio exercises.

Here's the deal: Take a moderate rock climb and add in a sensible diet and voila! You'll be slim and trim in no time.

Me: Which means that all I really have to do is eat right and climb rocks?

You: You know, this might be a good place for a disclaimer.

(Important Disclaimer: Do not begin any rock climbing exercise program without first getting an OK from your doctor or medical professional.)

Me: Well, that reminds me. What if I'm seriously obese, or what if I'm 75 years old, or... OK, I'll be honest. What if I'm an exercise wimp? I'm not sure that rock climbing is exactly what I had in mind.

You: But hey, I have a bonus for you.

Me: A bonus?

You: I am serious. Even if you have an aversion to exercising, you'll love rock climbing. It's fun. Trust me.

Me: That's a bonus?

You: The fun. The fun is the bonus.

Me: Well, I'm sure rock climbing is fun, but...

You: Also, here are some tips.

Me: What tips?

You: No matter what your rock climbing skill is, whether you're a newbie or a seasoned veteran, scaling the side of a rock means your body will have to have the proper fuel. Which is to say, the proper food plus water.

No-no No. 1: Never, never, never go rock climbing on an empty stomach. Ever.

Why? It's just common sense. Rock climbing requires your complete attention every second you're scaling the side of that rock. Giving that attention instead to feelings of hunger and/or thirst can lead to injury.

Your whole body needs to be adequately fortified, which means you need ample:

• Roughage. Make sure you get plenty of dietary fiber in the 24 hours before your climb.

• Protein. Cold-water fish such as salmon and tuna are excellent sources of protein. Avocados and nuts are ideal pre-climb snacks.

Me: I appreciate the suggestions, but can't I follow them without, you know, climbing rocks?

You: Plus, let's be clear. Whole wheat bread, not white. Fresh fruit, not canned. For the love of Mike, please save the canned fruit for the next tornado or alien attack or whatever natural disaster.

All right, I'll admit that canned fruit and white bread can give your body a certain, albeit low, amount of energy. What we are trying to avoid, however, is an emergency call of nature when we're halfway up a 100-foot rock.

And oh by the way, no soda pop or coffee before a rock climb. They're diuretics, and we don't want a bladder attack while rock climbing (I don't really have to add alcohol to the list of no-nos, do I?) Just use common sense.

Now, for water:

Make absolutely sure you have easy access to drinking water at all times. You simply can't afford to be anything less than fully hydrated when you are rock climbing.

You should know that rock climbing can make you sweat like a horse.

Me: I'm beginning to sweat already, thinking that maybe I asked the wrong person to help me lose weight.

You: And if you let yourself become dehydrated, you run the risk of becoming weak, even faint, and you could easily suffer a loss of concentration. That is not a good condition for a rock climber to be in.

Me: First I was sweating. Now I'm feeling faint.

You: Also, you don't want to let yourself get overheated. So, to repeat Water Rule No. 1, just make sure you have easy access to drinking water before you climb, while you are climbing, and after your climb, when you are standing on a rocky peak and celebrating your weight loss - and your grand accomplishment.

Me (after a pause): You're good. I have to hand it to you. I can see how you could help me lose weight.

However... rock climbing just isn't the answer. Not for me. Not now. Not ever. Can you help me lose weight please some other way?

You: Of course. I know quite a number of rather wonderful and very effective ways, actually. Starting right now, if you'd like.

Me: Really? You're kidding! You can help me lose weight right now!?

You: Absolutely.

Me: No kidding? No rock climbing or anything like that?

You: No, nothing like rock climbing at all. That's a promise.

Me (smiling): What a nice man. (beat) Woman. (beat) Intrepid explorer. (beat) Whatever.

To discover the ways Intrepid Explorer can help me lose weight, please go to http://helpmeloseweightplease.com.

Article Source:http://EzineArticles.com/?expert